Ah Ha Moment

My thoughts are racing more than usual. Maybe its fear, anticipation, excitement, joy, realization, understanding,  or simply just accepting that I'm going to follow and live out my Ah Ha moment that I realized tonight. Not that everything in my life will change tomorrow but a change is under way and its the first time in awhile that everything feels so clear and peaceful. Would you believe that earlier today I had an anxiety attack? Work has been really stressful and when I let myself get overwhelmed anxiety attacks happen. (This started last year for me and was my first eye opener to real life work stress).

The kicker is it happened the same week that I'm taking Meditation 101 with Ashley Turner. And I believe its fate because after feeling overwhelmed at work, I was able to remind myself of helpful tips I had been learning all week and I decided to do some yoga while attempting to watch as many of the meditation videos I could before they expired. (I had 24 hours from the time they were posted to watch them but found that when I opened the URL before they expired that I could watch them even after expiration. It worked for most of them but all of a sudden some of them stopped showing and as I looked for one that would, I landed on Meditation & Epigentics with Bruce Lipton and that is where my Ah Ha moment happened. 

Everything he said made perfect sense and clicked so well. Our mind has two parts, our conscious mind and our subconscious mind. Our conscious mind is what drives our hopes, dreams, goals and our subconscious mind relies on patterns and routine behavior. The crazy part that stuck is he said "We only live in our conscious mind (the past and future thinking) 5% of the time and our subconscious (present) mind the rest". First question that came to my mind after hearing this, our routine patterns that are instilled in us early on in life is what my life is constantly lived in? I have a hard time living in the subconscious moment which is the true moment where life exists, it is the present. The difference between the conscious mind and subconscious mind is that the conscious mind has the ability to think in past and future tense, where as the subconscious mind only lives in the present. Wouldn't you like to train and understand the patterns that are carried out from our subconscious mind if so much of our everyday life is spent in it? The good news, meditation is our key to connect with the subconscious mind which is what majority of our life is lived in. When Bruce started listing out the times he found himself meditating before he was aware of it, it brought awareness to my own life about how capable we are of connecting with our inner voice at times we wouldn't expect. For instance something as simple as doing the dishes can be an example of a task we do to connect in that moment. This realization has given me a desire unlike any before, I need to connect to my inner voice. I need to go on a spiritual journey and find that connection so I can fulfill my true life's desires.

So I figured out what I need but now comes the tough part of how I will make that happen. I work in Corporate America and have a good job. I have been growing in my role over the past 2 years and have developed useful skills that will lead me to greater opportunities. I have been living my dream job for 2 years simply because I am supporting the non-profit part of a huge organization, Cisco. My life's purpose is to give back and help others. I find true happiness when the work I am doing is benefiting others. So how do I leave a life I love so much to go out and do something I believe is necessary for my own well being? Well that's the fun part.. Scary? A little but it's time to figure it out now and I plan on doing that here in a space where I will allow myself to be open and bare it all because there is no reason to hide it. I accept myself for who I am and I'm going to be extremely blunt and honest and let out everything I feel.

I'm a happy person now but I have my insecurities and moments where I get depressed and unsure about life.I think its important I share some context to how my life has been going the past few months to lead to where I am today. 

So let me back up a little.. In July 2013 I went on a life changing trip for an organization called CISV, I was the leader for a US delegation of four 11-year olds (2 boys, 2 girls). I was responsible for taking them Denmark for a month to create global friendships, bring peace awareness, and teach human rights between 13 different countries. The experience was incredible and forever something I will cherish. The friends I have made continue to be part of my daily life and I couldn't be more thankful for them. Nikki, Pamela ,& Julia thank you for the daily support and constant inspiration.

 Building global friendships between 13 countries, 52 delegates, 13 leaders, 6 jcs, 5 staff and 1 village for a month. You be You Village

In August-November after returning back to reality life got a little different. I was on a high of my trip and I had met a stranger in a bar on our leaders night out. Anyways this guy couldn't have been more my type. I'm a sucker for blonde hair and blue eyes, always have been. But the thing about him is he had the bad boy persona image but continued to show interest and talk to me after I left. Klaus's sweet talking sucked me in so hard so quick that I felt as if I had fallen in love. We talked everyday, he was the first person I talked to in the morning and last person I talked to before bed. We talked about our future and when we would be together. I had booked a trip back there for 3 weeks to spend Christmas with his family. He had started looking into work visas and jobs here. I was switching up a life I thought I'd always have for something so spontaneous and unexpected. For four months we talked everyday and skyped for up to 3 hours at a time. My infatuation with Klaus was not healthy but I was so sucked in that even if you told me how silly I was being I wouldn't have listened. 

I'm not the type to listen when my mind is set on something. I've always been that way. I'm extremely driven to complete something I set my mind to. It's a good thing though because it teaches me  Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I could have the ultimate fairytale? Maybe it was because I was gullible and got sucked into words. Maybe it was the fact he lived in a different country which meant I had the possibility of another check on my bucket list, live in another country. 

Long story short it didn't work out with Klaus and after I freaked out and realized how crazy it all was, he sent two final texts saying it won't work. He had a new girlfriend within a week. 

Anyways, I'm thankful it happened because it taught me a lot and I will openly admit I have never been so heartbroken over something. Sounds silly but the pain I felt was not something I'm used to and as much as I tried it took me a bit to get back to my normal self. Normally I find the good in every situation, stay positive and live as if everyday is the best day of my life. I get excited and energized off little things and this heartbreak really shook me. 

The reason it happened doesn't matter because it happened and that's how life works, things happen. You live life and things happen. You can't beat yourself up over something that happens, you simply learn from it. You can't go through life too careful or you'll never learn how you get up when your knocked down. That's what defines you. 

December and January were adjusting back to figuring out where my life was going. I'm a planner and after thinking I was living out an unexpected plan, it took me a minute to get focused again. One of my best friend's Setahrae and I signed up for a yoga teacher certification that upcoming March-July. It's been a bucket list item for me and something I have always wanted to pursue. Having that in the future was exactly what I needed to get back to my normal self. I even took up a dating app as a way to meet more guys and get my mind off Klaus. It wasn't long before I realized just how many other fish in the sea there are. Life doesn't stop just because things don't go as planned. You have to find your rhythm again. 

One of my goals for 26 was to finally move out of my parents house. My home life was great because my work had an office in my hometown and whenever I had the urge to travel I had that option. Not to mention my parents are the best roommates, so happy, loving, and fun all the time. I had no complaints living at home but it came to the point where I knew I needed to embark on a new chapter. I love the freedom that comes with living on your own and believe it's the ultimate learning experience for growing up.

I've been able to enjoy my 26th year of life exactly as I should be, meeting new people, trying new things and embarking on a new chapter. I made the move to San Francisco on March 2, 2014 and couldn't be happier with the decision. Its a magical experience that I have to continue to remind myself is real. It feels like getting a new chance to create my best life possible. Life is so cool because we always have the ability to change what we don't like or add in what we want. You have to be open to this idea and realize that fostering positive thoughts are the necessary tool for living out the best life possible. Negativity brings no good what so ever. Leave the judgement behind and accept anyone and everyone for who they are. Life is not easy by any means so there is no point in making it harder. Moral of it all; stay positive.

Russian Hill's newest resident. I feel beyond blessed waking up to this view every morning.